Only a mothe r could love this liver
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
