I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
