She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
And then he peed in my hair
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