if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
