i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
