ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
3pm strippers are depressing
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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