I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
