Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
