Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
