I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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