I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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