Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
