I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
