Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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