i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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