Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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