I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
