well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
