Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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