You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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