Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
