By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
