I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
