I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
