How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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