OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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