My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
from now on my penis is your penis
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Randomize
