I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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