You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
