I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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