Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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