Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
