matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
