It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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