Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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