i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
