Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
