I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
