First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
