I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
