No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
