the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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