If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
