walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
