also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
