Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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