So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
