So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
