tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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