david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
