I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
This house was built for laser tag.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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