I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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